no tellin' where it'll take ya

i'm turning over a new leaf. (that's the right kind of leaf for that expression, isn't it? hell if I know) I will no longer let life control me. i'm steering my own ship. fuck every stupid dude that gets in my way. i need no man. i am better than that shit. I think my recent groundation until christmas will give me ample time to get my shit together.

ima hit it hit it like I can't miss

yeah that's right. lil wayne. yeah i don't care that his lyrics could be considered degrading to women. I'm going to have his children, and they are all going to be bad ass rappers.

i've been listening to way too much of that shit lately. I do so enjoy getting in the car with my mom and seeing the awesome facial expressions she makes when listening to my man. it gets a little annoying when she starts bitching about how i'm going to poison chloe's mind and how the lyrics are so offensive/chauvinistic. she takes shit too seriously. men are going to have shitty attitudes towards women even if they listen to fucking Enya. actually I don't think you can have a shitty attitude if you listen to Enya. she's so chill.

too much sugar for my sweet tooth

i've noticed that the less i have to say the more frequently I write in this thing. not a damn thing has happened to me in ages worth talking about and yet i've written 4 times within a month. i turn 18 saturday. i'm a little afraid. 18 and i've done a lot of nothing. i need a haircut. it weighs heavily on my mind when my hair is in the condition it is now. haha and on my head. if anyone is reading this, 1) 5 points for being awesome 2) you should google that lyric from the title and listen to that song. i love it right now.
the office makes me miss governor's school.



lately, everything has made me miss governor's school.

i know i just did this. my apologies for the pity party.

sometimes i really wish i wasn't such an idiot. what good are standardized test skills when you still manage to fail at everything you really want to do well at? i would trade my 780 for the ability to effectively communicate through any sort of medium, right now. i would trade all the useless knowledge i can retain. the shit that doesn't mean a god damn thing to me. all intelligence does for me is make me more miserable in the fact that I still can't really do shit. what am I truly good for? i can read big books. i fear i will never be able to do something I value.
fuck all this. really. Fuck it

caffeine limbo

i'm far too lethargic to think of a clever lyric title thing. i've got too much caffeine in my system to fall asleep, but too little to feel awake. so, instead of doing something soothing to help myself reach asleepness, i've decided to ramble semi-conciously about nothing and make up words. i think all real writers should make up words. i want a tattoo of an octopus and i don't care at all if that's lame. it won't mean a damn thing either. unfortunately, the only person i'd trust to draw it in a way i'd enjoy would probably rather stab me than draw me something, and due to certain resentments i carry towards him, having something on me forever to constantly remind me of who drew it would just make me a little tiny bit bitter everytime i looked at it. therefore giving my meaningless octopus a sort of anti-filthy lying boys aura, making it less meaningless and equally less desirable. i feel as though those last two sentences make no real sense and i like it. i am really quite tired. but unable to sleep. i gave it a go, and failed.

don't you know that it's insane

the absolutely huge amount of failure within my abilities is amazing. i forgot the password to this thing about 3 months ago, gave up on recovering then. later, was determined to post on this thing and had the password sent to me, but lost my enthusiasm for writing after such strenuous activity. then, i somehow managed to delete the email and didn't even think about it for awhile. finally, today, due to an extreme desire to "blog" i suffered through the entire password changing process and finally made it to this point. just to realize i have nothing more important to relay to my non-existent readers than the story of my quest to make it here. and that is why I may be the best failure of all time.

let's go to hell together

I'm at home waiting until I have to go elsewhere. I have absolutely nothing important to say, but honestly, how many online journal writers do? Even though really I'm only writing to myself so what I say isn't even online, for all intensive purposes. Though it could be accessed by someone else, it probably isn't going to be. Mind you, I'm not complaining. I would much rather have a onlinejournal that no one reads than have thousands of people hanging on my every word, commenting on my every deed, and living their lives through me, while simultaneously feeling superior because they aren't so crass as to publish THEIR entire lives on the internet for huge amounts of anonymous, judgmental, slightly sadistic perverts to touch themselves to, even though they themselves are, in essence, one of those perverts.
And that was completely harsh and melodramatic. But it reads beautifully, even if it is a run-on sentence. You can almost feel the anger building. As an end note to a rant no one will read, did you know that you can spell judgmental/judgemental with or without an E? According to my Oxford American computer dictionary you can.

you know what'd be cool?

it'd be awesome, if I could just be content with what I have. oh no though! I can't just appreciate my excellent luck. OHFUCKINGNO! I have to whine and moan and overanalyze and find fault everywhere. I have to be suspicious.

day of reckoning

so today is my first day of school. and i'm dreading it because i know i may run into this kid i totally treated like shit. and I may act like i did it cause I just didn't care, but honestly it's because i don't know how to behave in those kind of situations, and i just didn't want to deal with it, and felt like being a coward instead of confronting the situation head on. I HATE when something happens that makes me dread going to school, especially when it's no one's fault but my own.