i know i just did this. my apologies for the pity party.

sometimes i really wish i wasn't such an idiot. what good are standardized test skills when you still manage to fail at everything you really want to do well at? i would trade my 780 for the ability to effectively communicate through any sort of medium, right now. i would trade all the useless knowledge i can retain. the shit that doesn't mean a god damn thing to me. all intelligence does for me is make me more miserable in the fact that I still can't really do shit. what am I truly good for? i can read big books. i fear i will never be able to do something I value.
fuck all this. really. Fuck it

caffeine limbo

i'm far too lethargic to think of a clever lyric title thing. i've got too much caffeine in my system to fall asleep, but too little to feel awake. so, instead of doing something soothing to help myself reach asleepness, i've decided to ramble semi-conciously about nothing and make up words. i think all real writers should make up words. i want a tattoo of an octopus and i don't care at all if that's lame. it won't mean a damn thing either. unfortunately, the only person i'd trust to draw it in a way i'd enjoy would probably rather stab me than draw me something, and due to certain resentments i carry towards him, having something on me forever to constantly remind me of who drew it would just make me a little tiny bit bitter everytime i looked at it. therefore giving my meaningless octopus a sort of anti-filthy lying boys aura, making it less meaningless and equally less desirable. i feel as though those last two sentences make no real sense and i like it. i am really quite tired. but unable to sleep. i gave it a go, and failed.

don't you know that it's insane

the absolutely huge amount of failure within my abilities is amazing. i forgot the password to this thing about 3 months ago, gave up on recovering then. later, was determined to post on this thing and had the password sent to me, but lost my enthusiasm for writing after such strenuous activity. then, i somehow managed to delete the email and didn't even think about it for awhile. finally, today, due to an extreme desire to "blog" i suffered through the entire password changing process and finally made it to this point. just to realize i have nothing more important to relay to my non-existent readers than the story of my quest to make it here. and that is why I may be the best failure of all time.